Knowing the unwritten rules is what makes you a local in every country. It’s not only rules, it’s a vibe, it’s a behaviour that will make people relax around you. It’s a higher-level code of communication. Why don’t you write a book on it?
Ciao Antonia! I agree that knowing the unwritten rules is relevant everywhere. But I think it's particularly important here. For some of the reasons in the essay, plus the lack of faith in institutions, the regional identities, the reading between the lines ("vediamo," "E' difficile," "Quando vuoi," "Ne riparliamo" all mean something different from what they should mean), etc.
I really liked what you said about behavior. Do you think that comes from knowing the rules and being able to work within them? Or is it an instinct someone develops?
Thank you, Eric for yet another wonderful Substack post. I love all the quirky unwritten, unspoken codes of behavior here in Italy. I’ve been here so long I don’t even think about them, I just live them.
I remember many years ago – decades ago in fact – I went to an event at the home of the US Consul General. There was a speaker who was addressing newbie Americans in Rome. The message was that to survive, be integrated and happy you have to live by Italian lifestyle and expectations. If your plumber says “I’ll be there at 9 AM” and actually shows up two hours later, but gets the job done while singing a Verdi opera almost in its entirety take joy in that, and don’t judge him on his tardiness. Because first of all saying you’ll arrive at 9 AM actually means not 9 AM but sometime that morning. Ditch your American punctuality concepts, and reinterpret things like arrival time into what Italians actually mean when they give you an arrival time. Sort of like your dinner party example!
Just like the Wizard of Oz: “Dorothy, you’re not in Kansas anymore.“
I definitely think that changing expectations when it comes to punctuality is part of the adjustment. Luckily for me, I came to Italy from South America, so that specific software update had already been taken care of!
Eric, this is such a clear and cogent explanation of why these things matter, and what is lost when they are given up. Thanks for posting!
Currently living in a little valley in the Dolomites, and the depth and breadth of the unwritten here is vast. How do you think these rules tend to bend at the margins of culture?
I do think these "rules" (I've been thinking lately that I should have called them "rituals" from the start) can get fuzzy around the edges. But I think that's what makes them so interesting. If they were cut and dry they wouldn't be unwritten for long -- somebody would write them down!
I agree with you. The unwritten laws of Italy are integral to the country's charm and social fabric. They reinforce respect, warmth, and a sense of community. For visitors and newcomers, understanding these social codes is key to experiencing Italy authentically and building meaningful relationships with locals. I started going to Italy in 1970, two or three times a year!!! My only regret is that I never moved there!!!!
Regarding the first claim, right. Parliament legislates, but no one questions those who are supposed to enforce the existing laws. Among the unwritten rules, I'd add that magistrates are untouchable, and no one questions them because everyone is afraid of receiving an avviso di garanzia. And, yes, the unwritten rules are always more interesting. To tell the truth, there are many unwritten rules in each country. They are like our DNA; even when we don't know or feel them, unwritten rules are part of our way to be. Everywhere, unwritten rules are relevant. Talk to my expat friends, and you'll hear what they have to say about this topic. But, at least, to answer your question, what makes Italy Italy? The only possible answer to me is: Italians. And about DNA, ours is based on the art of practicing patience. It is this patience that has allowed us, over the centuries, to overcome foreign rulers, poverty, incompetent political leaders, and the pervasive presence of the Catholic Church and the mafiE (I'm sorry to mention them together). In short, we are used to being patient because we know that by persevering, we will make it to tomorrow. And maybe tomorrow will be different. Does that make sense? I hope so, x
I agree there are unwritten rules in every country, but I also think there are more of them in Italy than in most places. The church and organized crime are factors, as you point out. So are the things I mentioned in the post. I think that the harder it is to understand and follow the official rules the more important the unofficial rules become.
Are you convinced "Italians" exist? With a broad enough definition, yes, of course. I'm sure you know the Massimo d'Azeglio quote (which I love): "L'Italia è fatta. Restano da fare gli italiani." I'm on the road in Italy now (in fact, I thought about you when I was momentarily in Bologna Centrale earlier) and as I travel I think that what d'Azeglio is still partially correct.
I love this post- it’s something I think about every time a shop closes for lunch hours - and especially when they don’t. Rome is having an identity crisis.
I think the whole world is having an identity crisis! But there’s little doubt that because of the enormous influx of visitors in some parts of Italy that those places are more at risk than most.
There's no way to compile an exact list of the number of rules in any place. The 2 million for Italy is an estimate. I can say there are around 160,000 national laws in Italy and around 10,000 in France or Germany. The large estimate includes local ordinance, circulars, regional decrees, etc.
The goldfish bowl is part of a broader anti-animal cruelty rule. It's thought the goldfish suffer in such a small container and that the water isn't oxygenated enough and so on.
The subtle nod from the barista, even though I don’t speak much more than 'Restaurant Italian' I have relied upon visit after visit. Although ordering a caffe in Bozen is different than in Rome or Lecce. Crossing busy streets, well, I lived in San Francisco for a number of years so that comes as second nature, but with a higher degree of difficulty in Italy. Confidence speaks loudly.
It's the Ciao, Buongiorno, or Salve that I've noticed the most variability.
I say Salve a lot when I'm in Puglia I feel, but never in the morning. I also said it on the trails in the Tyrol while hiking or at lunch mid-afternoon. It doesn't seem as formal, more recognition based.
Buongiorno feels like Buenos Dias when I travel in Central/South America or even in the States when I'm with friends from Mexico, El Salvador, etc...my partner lived in Guatemala/El Salvador for nearly 15 years, It's what we always do, always do first thing in the morning to anyone you see. To not do so is just rude (and I am not a morning person, so it doesn't come natural)
I think the truest of all the things you stated here is that confidence speaks loudly! It’s true in so many contexts!
If I’m unsure, I’ll err in the direction of “salve” … if I want to make it seem more lighthearted I’ll say “salve ragazzi” or “salve cari” … but it really is a question of instinct.
I also think “buenos días” in Spanish is more specific than “Buongiorno” …
This is so true and beautifully written! Being an Italian teacher, I always teach students these unwritten rules together with the language so that they are ready when they come to Italy! And I’m so proud of my students when they join my language retreats in Italy and they can navigate places, timetables, gestures, saluti, eye-contacts and smiles. When in Italy, you speak with your body, with pauses and silence, not just words!
It makes me happy that you and more and more and more Italian teachers are including these wonderful cultural rituals in their classes along with verb tenses and vocabulary.
Italy is so unique in its unwritten rules and the depth to which they pervade the culture - perhaps partly because it is such an old culture.
I confess to having my doubts about the gold fish bowl in Rome, so had to look it up. I discovered that in 2005, the city council passed a bylaw stating that goldfish must be kept in proper aquariums and that daily dog walks are mandatory for dog owners. But you already knew that of course.
Your article also highlights the value of having "skin in the game", of feeling and being part of the nation and having a responsibility to it. I often wonder if this is something the United States, in particular, lacks.
This touches on a really interesting question I've been thinking about.
I think Americans have more civic pride than Italians do, for example. There's more public order in the U.S. (driving is easier, there's less trash, less graffiti).
But at the same time, this sense of live-and-let-live harmony that I like so much here (and that I think may be eroding) is rare in the states. Most Americans also seem less aware of their own history.
My working theory is that it has something to do with a mix of protestant culture vs. Catholic and Anglo Saxon vs. Latin culture. But I can't pull it together yet. Any ideas?
I would start with Switzerland, a nation of 4 languages and deep, different cultures/religions. Internally, they speak constantly of the rostigraben that separates the French and German speaking cultures. Yet all Swiss, are somehow Swiss and have a common tie that seems to bind them. While living there, I wondered if one element of that tie might be that all Swiss men serve in the military reserve for around 10 years. That is a lot of cross all boundary connection - across language, culture, wealth, religion - and all in service to the nation. Look as well at the USA after WWII, where millions of men and women who served and came home with a tie that bound them to the USA forever - all those VFW outposts as one example.
I have to admit Switzerland has always been a bit mysterious to me. I’ve been there many times, but I can’t say I have a feel for it. If someone had a newsletter like mine, but about Switzerland, I’d subscribe in a second!
Spot on. After being in Abruzzo since July the unwritten rules are now codified into my daily interactions. Eg, forse vs magari, always call ahead at smaller restaurants (during the slow season they might try to cut-out early and you don’t want to ruin their plans), always always greet people you know on sight, etc etc. Not doing these things, like when I was a tourist, feels wrong. Overall politeness and decorum is the manner of the day here and in small towns it’s reputation über alles.
Sounds to me like you have half of a post there, Paul! I think these rituals change and I'm sure the ones I'm accustomed to here in Rome and the ones you're faced with in Penne are similar but not identical (I don't know if I'd have thought of the restaurant "rule," for example).
From what I can tell, Jill, you’re doing well for just 3.5 years and with the challenges you face. It’s a looong process … I’ve been here 25+ years and am still figuring things out!
Having come from Australia, where there are rules and laws for every step you take, I find the unwritten social rules in Sicily to be both aggravating and refreshing. I'm still bringing some of my Australian attitude with me (if a tradie doesn't get back to me after two days, he's out; I don't have the patience for that), but I'm learning to drive fast on the freeway, and slow down over the lunch hours.
I learned one unwritten rule in Australia: unless you’re in a city always check your shoes for spiders, snakes, or scorpions before you put them on.
I suppose every place has some unwritten rules. But because the written ones are so convoluted and opaque, Italy probably has more than most.
My working theory is that the larger the cloud of unwritten rules is, the more challenging (and rewarding) it is to truly fit in. What would you say to that idea?
100% true about spiders, in the city too. I've had a huntsman on me... I lived on a farm when I was a kid, so you're right about snakes. Scorpions I've never seen.
Yesterday, I had an electrician come to my house and I complained for a minute that I can't turn on my oven and heating at the same time. He said, welcome back to Italy. So the unwritten rule is if the oven is on everything else needs to be off.
In terms of driving though, I find the unwritten courtesy rules make life easier. Everyone gets in eventually. Oh and the supermarket rule, if someone has a couple of items, you have to let them go ahead. It's polite.
Do you know the term “l’arte di arrangiarsi” -- the art of getting by? I’ve written about it in the past. I bet that’s what was going on with your oven: things won’t always work perfectly but they’ll be probably good enough.
I’ve travel a lot but am embarrassed to say I haven’t been to Australia. But I knew about the shoes rule because of an Australian grad school friend who couldn’t shake the habit of double checking his shoes, even during the frigid winter months in Connecticut!
I can confirm that! I've been back and forth to the U.S. a few times this year and there's definitely a learning curve at the start of a stay on either side of the Atlantic. The worst for me is arriving and wanting to drive like an Italian on U.S. roads!
Knowing the unwritten rules is what makes you a local in every country. It’s not only rules, it’s a vibe, it’s a behaviour that will make people relax around you. It’s a higher-level code of communication. Why don’t you write a book on it?
Ciao Antonia! I agree that knowing the unwritten rules is relevant everywhere. But I think it's particularly important here. For some of the reasons in the essay, plus the lack of faith in institutions, the regional identities, the reading between the lines ("vediamo," "E' difficile," "Quando vuoi," "Ne riparliamo" all mean something different from what they should mean), etc.
I really liked what you said about behavior. Do you think that comes from knowing the rules and being able to work within them? Or is it an instinct someone develops?
Thank you, Eric for yet another wonderful Substack post. I love all the quirky unwritten, unspoken codes of behavior here in Italy. I’ve been here so long I don’t even think about them, I just live them.
I remember many years ago – decades ago in fact – I went to an event at the home of the US Consul General. There was a speaker who was addressing newbie Americans in Rome. The message was that to survive, be integrated and happy you have to live by Italian lifestyle and expectations. If your plumber says “I’ll be there at 9 AM” and actually shows up two hours later, but gets the job done while singing a Verdi opera almost in its entirety take joy in that, and don’t judge him on his tardiness. Because first of all saying you’ll arrive at 9 AM actually means not 9 AM but sometime that morning. Ditch your American punctuality concepts, and reinterpret things like arrival time into what Italians actually mean when they give you an arrival time. Sort of like your dinner party example!
Just like the Wizard of Oz: “Dorothy, you’re not in Kansas anymore.“
I definitely think that changing expectations when it comes to punctuality is part of the adjustment. Luckily for me, I came to Italy from South America, so that specific software update had already been taken care of!
Eric, this is such a clear and cogent explanation of why these things matter, and what is lost when they are given up. Thanks for posting!
Currently living in a little valley in the Dolomites, and the depth and breadth of the unwritten here is vast. How do you think these rules tend to bend at the margins of culture?
Thank you, Tyler!
I do think these "rules" (I've been thinking lately that I should have called them "rituals" from the start) can get fuzzy around the edges. But I think that's what makes them so interesting. If they were cut and dry they wouldn't be unwritten for long -- somebody would write them down!
and then someone would try and enforce them :)
I agree with you. The unwritten laws of Italy are integral to the country's charm and social fabric. They reinforce respect, warmth, and a sense of community. For visitors and newcomers, understanding these social codes is key to experiencing Italy authentically and building meaningful relationships with locals. I started going to Italy in 1970, two or three times a year!!! My only regret is that I never moved there!!!!
I'm sure you picked up a pretty good knowledge of these rules after so many trips over so long a period!
Guess what Lucrezia? It’s never too late!
I am 85 and taking care of my 86-year-old husband!!!! So, no chance of that, but I am going three times this year!!!! YEEEEEEHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
I Always enjoy the enthusiasm in your comments !
Regarding the first claim, right. Parliament legislates, but no one questions those who are supposed to enforce the existing laws. Among the unwritten rules, I'd add that magistrates are untouchable, and no one questions them because everyone is afraid of receiving an avviso di garanzia. And, yes, the unwritten rules are always more interesting. To tell the truth, there are many unwritten rules in each country. They are like our DNA; even when we don't know or feel them, unwritten rules are part of our way to be. Everywhere, unwritten rules are relevant. Talk to my expat friends, and you'll hear what they have to say about this topic. But, at least, to answer your question, what makes Italy Italy? The only possible answer to me is: Italians. And about DNA, ours is based on the art of practicing patience. It is this patience that has allowed us, over the centuries, to overcome foreign rulers, poverty, incompetent political leaders, and the pervasive presence of the Catholic Church and the mafiE (I'm sorry to mention them together). In short, we are used to being patient because we know that by persevering, we will make it to tomorrow. And maybe tomorrow will be different. Does that make sense? I hope so, x
A fear of powerful people is definitely a thing!
I agree there are unwritten rules in every country, but I also think there are more of them in Italy than in most places. The church and organized crime are factors, as you point out. So are the things I mentioned in the post. I think that the harder it is to understand and follow the official rules the more important the unofficial rules become.
Are you convinced "Italians" exist? With a broad enough definition, yes, of course. I'm sure you know the Massimo d'Azeglio quote (which I love): "L'Italia è fatta. Restano da fare gli italiani." I'm on the road in Italy now (in fact, I thought about you when I was momentarily in Bologna Centrale earlier) and as I travel I think that what d'Azeglio is still partially correct.
I can't decide if knowing about this stuff is intimidating or entertaining.
I love this post- it’s something I think about every time a shop closes for lunch hours - and especially when they don’t. Rome is having an identity crisis.
I think the whole world is having an identity crisis! But there’s little doubt that because of the enormous influx of visitors in some parts of Italy that those places are more at risk than most.
Why are gold fish bowls illegal??
If Italy has 2 million rules and laws, how many do other countries have? The U.S.?
There's no way to compile an exact list of the number of rules in any place. The 2 million for Italy is an estimate. I can say there are around 160,000 national laws in Italy and around 10,000 in France or Germany. The large estimate includes local ordinance, circulars, regional decrees, etc.
The goldfish bowl is part of a broader anti-animal cruelty rule. It's thought the goldfish suffer in such a small container and that the water isn't oxygenated enough and so on.
I love the goldfish rule.
I agree. It implies a kind of basic human dignity, doesn’t it?
The subtle nod from the barista, even though I don’t speak much more than 'Restaurant Italian' I have relied upon visit after visit. Although ordering a caffe in Bozen is different than in Rome or Lecce. Crossing busy streets, well, I lived in San Francisco for a number of years so that comes as second nature, but with a higher degree of difficulty in Italy. Confidence speaks loudly.
It's the Ciao, Buongiorno, or Salve that I've noticed the most variability.
I say Salve a lot when I'm in Puglia I feel, but never in the morning. I also said it on the trails in the Tyrol while hiking or at lunch mid-afternoon. It doesn't seem as formal, more recognition based.
Buongiorno feels like Buenos Dias when I travel in Central/South America or even in the States when I'm with friends from Mexico, El Salvador, etc...my partner lived in Guatemala/El Salvador for nearly 15 years, It's what we always do, always do first thing in the morning to anyone you see. To not do so is just rude (and I am not a morning person, so it doesn't come natural)
I think the truest of all the things you stated here is that confidence speaks loudly! It’s true in so many contexts!
If I’m unsure, I’ll err in the direction of “salve” … if I want to make it seem more lighthearted I’ll say “salve ragazzi” or “salve cari” … but it really is a question of instinct.
I also think “buenos días” in Spanish is more specific than “Buongiorno” …
And all this says to me, I've got more to learn.
Except crossing streets in large cities.
This is so true and beautifully written! Being an Italian teacher, I always teach students these unwritten rules together with the language so that they are ready when they come to Italy! And I’m so proud of my students when they join my language retreats in Italy and they can navigate places, timetables, gestures, saluti, eye-contacts and smiles. When in Italy, you speak with your body, with pauses and silence, not just words!
Thank you, Giulia!
It makes me happy that you and more and more and more Italian teachers are including these wonderful cultural rituals in their classes along with verb tenses and vocabulary.
Italy is so unique in its unwritten rules and the depth to which they pervade the culture - perhaps partly because it is such an old culture.
I confess to having my doubts about the gold fish bowl in Rome, so had to look it up. I discovered that in 2005, the city council passed a bylaw stating that goldfish must be kept in proper aquariums and that daily dog walks are mandatory for dog owners. But you already knew that of course.
Your article also highlights the value of having "skin in the game", of feeling and being part of the nation and having a responsibility to it. I often wonder if this is something the United States, in particular, lacks.
This touches on a really interesting question I've been thinking about.
I think Americans have more civic pride than Italians do, for example. There's more public order in the U.S. (driving is easier, there's less trash, less graffiti).
But at the same time, this sense of live-and-let-live harmony that I like so much here (and that I think may be eroding) is rare in the states. Most Americans also seem less aware of their own history.
My working theory is that it has something to do with a mix of protestant culture vs. Catholic and Anglo Saxon vs. Latin culture. But I can't pull it together yet. Any ideas?
I would start with Switzerland, a nation of 4 languages and deep, different cultures/religions. Internally, they speak constantly of the rostigraben that separates the French and German speaking cultures. Yet all Swiss, are somehow Swiss and have a common tie that seems to bind them. While living there, I wondered if one element of that tie might be that all Swiss men serve in the military reserve for around 10 years. That is a lot of cross all boundary connection - across language, culture, wealth, religion - and all in service to the nation. Look as well at the USA after WWII, where millions of men and women who served and came home with a tie that bound them to the USA forever - all those VFW outposts as one example.
I have to admit Switzerland has always been a bit mysterious to me. I’ve been there many times, but I can’t say I have a feel for it. If someone had a newsletter like mine, but about Switzerland, I’d subscribe in a second!
Spot on. After being in Abruzzo since July the unwritten rules are now codified into my daily interactions. Eg, forse vs magari, always call ahead at smaller restaurants (during the slow season they might try to cut-out early and you don’t want to ruin their plans), always always greet people you know on sight, etc etc. Not doing these things, like when I was a tourist, feels wrong. Overall politeness and decorum is the manner of the day here and in small towns it’s reputation über alles.
Sounds to me like you have half of a post there, Paul! I think these rituals change and I'm sure the ones I'm accustomed to here in Rome and the ones you're faced with in Penne are similar but not identical (I don't know if I'd have thought of the restaurant "rule," for example).
Get writing! Haha.
This captures so much of the spirit of Italy. As a relative newcomer who immigrated 3 1/2 years ago, I still have so much to learn.
From what I can tell, Jill, you’re doing well for just 3.5 years and with the challenges you face. It’s a looong process … I’ve been here 25+ years and am still figuring things out!
Having come from Australia, where there are rules and laws for every step you take, I find the unwritten social rules in Sicily to be both aggravating and refreshing. I'm still bringing some of my Australian attitude with me (if a tradie doesn't get back to me after two days, he's out; I don't have the patience for that), but I'm learning to drive fast on the freeway, and slow down over the lunch hours.
I learned one unwritten rule in Australia: unless you’re in a city always check your shoes for spiders, snakes, or scorpions before you put them on.
I suppose every place has some unwritten rules. But because the written ones are so convoluted and opaque, Italy probably has more than most.
My working theory is that the larger the cloud of unwritten rules is, the more challenging (and rewarding) it is to truly fit in. What would you say to that idea?
100% true about spiders, in the city too. I've had a huntsman on me... I lived on a farm when I was a kid, so you're right about snakes. Scorpions I've never seen.
Yesterday, I had an electrician come to my house and I complained for a minute that I can't turn on my oven and heating at the same time. He said, welcome back to Italy. So the unwritten rule is if the oven is on everything else needs to be off.
In terms of driving though, I find the unwritten courtesy rules make life easier. Everyone gets in eventually. Oh and the supermarket rule, if someone has a couple of items, you have to let them go ahead. It's polite.
Do you know the term “l’arte di arrangiarsi” -- the art of getting by? I’ve written about it in the past. I bet that’s what was going on with your oven: things won’t always work perfectly but they’ll be probably good enough.
I’ve travel a lot but am embarrassed to say I haven’t been to Australia. But I knew about the shoes rule because of an Australian grad school friend who couldn’t shake the habit of double checking his shoes, even during the frigid winter months in Connecticut!
Spot on …and when you go back to the states you have reverse culture shock and have to relearn all those unspoken rules , or face brutal figura .
I can confirm that! I've been back and forth to the U.S. a few times this year and there's definitely a learning curve at the start of a stay on either side of the Atlantic. The worst for me is arriving and wanting to drive like an Italian on U.S. roads!
What…a red light is merely a suggestion. Three lanes lined, four lanes driven. I loved driving in Italy, especially between Rome and Naples!
I think you either love it or it stresses you out!
Brutta